Katrina (tornspacetime) wrote,

a prayer in an unsound mind, a soundless room; a troubling find

my doubts gurgle up like water after the spewing of a geyser that'd been obstructed. i have this sinking coldness in my viscera because of my promises and fears. i've made such massive sacrifices, i've made such undeniable breakthroughs, i've made progress, and now i've made myself afraid of my own worth.

i tried not to fall asleep crying, but the pains that wrack my mouth after my wisdom teeth's extraction made me awash with additional anxiety as i had to use narcotics after two days' resistance to the need, to get my rest. and i awoke after three or four hours in a tangle of sadness and worry.

i'm in love and he is real and this compounds the sensation of sadness that i feel when the distance is a known quantity awaiting its traversal.
until now, my willingness to force my heart to overcome the need for physical closeness has outweighed my shadows' conspiring nagging to give up and admit my unworthiness to have my dreams come true.

for the first time in years, i went to sleep unreconciled after a rift with someone i love more than anything i know in this world.
awakening realizing how badly i need
i need
i need

i need to be held, in his arms.
i KNOW MY LOVE is real, but going to sleep without properly reconciling makes me feel things i haven't felt since i realized the delusions i'd created in my mind were only a fantasy... a fantasy i invented to cope with losing my first very serious relationship, to cope with being rejected by the mother of someone i'd believed i'd marry. a fantasy that indirectly put me in psychiatric hospitalization again. a fantasy that put me in grave danger leading up to that point.

of all i've lost in my life.
of all i've survived--
should this prove to be a fantasy as well,
i cannot make it out on my own, alive.

help me, heavenly father,
for i'm losing my strength.

and if i can't bear children in this life, let me have the opportunity to raise an unwanted child instead.

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