humbled and helpless

a prayer in an unsound mind, a soundless room; a troubling find

my doubts gurgle up like water after the spewing of a geyser that'd been obstructed. i have this sinking coldness in my viscera because of my promises and fears. i've made such massive sacrifices, i've made such undeniable breakthroughs, i've made progress, and now i've made myself afraid of my own worth.

i tried not to fall asleep crying, but the pains that wrack my mouth after my wisdom teeth's extraction made me awash with additional anxiety as i had to use narcotics after two days' resistance to the need, to get my rest. and i awoke after three or four hours in a tangle of sadness and worry.

i'm in love and he is real and this compounds the sensation of sadness that i feel when the distance is a known quantity awaiting its traversal.
until now, my willingness to force my heart to overcome the need for physical closeness has outweighed my shadows' conspiring nagging to give up and admit my unworthiness to have my dreams come true.

for the first time in years, i went to sleep unreconciled after a rift with someone i love more than anything i know in this world.
awakening realizing how badly i need
i need
i need

i need to be held, in his arms.
i KNOW MY LOVE is real, but going to sleep without properly reconciling makes me feel things i haven't felt since i realized the delusions i'd created in my mind were only a fantasy... a fantasy i invented to cope with losing my first very serious relationship, to cope with being rejected by the mother of someone i'd believed i'd marry. a fantasy that indirectly put me in psychiatric hospitalization again. a fantasy that put me in grave danger leading up to that point.

of all i've lost in my life.
of all i've survived--
should this prove to be a fantasy as well,
i cannot make it out on my own, alive.

help me, heavenly father,
for i'm losing my strength.

and if i can't bear children in this life, let me have the opportunity to raise an unwanted child instead.

exhaling, having gone around the bend

the hanged man i never pity, my dear unfaltering friend. i do my best to console or advise, but i don't know this woman who has been causing him distress.

the fool, i hold dear, introduced them to each other, and without tarot; somehow good times were had by all, despite everyone's anxiety about their own lives.

i think back as hard as i can, about having that fraternal love, being the tomboy or at least the alienated woman all my young adult and adult life.

the hanged man said,
"Love is a word so over-used in the English language to mean so many different things to the point where it has meaning only when the person who uses it expresses it with genuine feeling."

i love the fool, i love the hanged man, they give me strength as individuals, and having introduced them was unexpected and fantastic. thank you, modern technology, for making that hours long conversation possible last night.

and until last night i'd never seen a human drama's unfolding to be something that has a very bright side:
if this woman weren't distressing the hanged man so much, maybe he wouldn't be keeping in touch with me. i'm honored that he even seeks my advice, even though i know there's approximately no woman in his life he trusts to make sense of what women DO.

perception pain / when

the truest statements are that for which the opposite is also true.

all of the people of this planet are certain i am falsified
despite having seen or touched or heard me
diffused all of the media's glorification of my existence
and begin to deny;

this planet will destroy itself in such a reveal that cannot be doctored.
this is my plan, this design is born from my intelligence;
this universe is absolute in every tense of facets.

i am the life giver, the only gardener of this world. only i am taxed by the revolutions of this sphere.

there is no worship of death in this dominion, only reverence for life.

your money is all that's real, consume all of it until singularity.
humbled and helpless

not even dreamless sleep

instead filled with turmoil, navigating that ship.
at the bridge, spinning that wheel, or taking that control...
past the lake, and past the iron heart of that beast--
we accidentally awakened it, stirring up within its' entrails;
first, the flood..
and second, it breathed fire at us.
it scorched us nearly to a crisp, alive;
but this time we made our escape.

our prayer now is that we don't have to go back there ever again.

whispers of words

having laced such syllables through my ears
i stopped wondering if it was worth all these years
and as i ride these waves, surpassing my fears
the revelation of the sun has dried my tears.

the revolution of the world has drowned my sorrows.
the sensation of the love makes me work harder for tomorrows'
earnings; but this time yearnings don't motivate me to borrow
from time, all the debts incurred left me so harrowed.

for you i'll never force a verse,
for this faith i'll never let things waste;
your name spells my whole universe..
one day i'll wear it too, but we shall not make haste.

towards perfection we make the deliberate pace,
caring for every footstep, endearing to every gaze.
perhaps a thousand days, til i wear the wedding lace;
in vows i'd owe to God my praise.

yet we've only just begun this first movement,
a symphony at its incarnation moment--
so take a deep breath; may we, as God, be clement
and treasure living now, more than the day of wedding vestment.

stop these harsh things!

my heart could not be more covered in abrasions.
why do i have to suffer these awful dreams?
to see war, to see desperation, to see misery.
it terrifies me, crying myself awake all over again.
and this time, with no compassionate smile to gaze upon me..

i said i didn't know

and i tried to stop that jealous murder,
but i awoke with the image of him injecting the poison straight into his nephew's temple.

but, thank God, in my waking life, for that image on my screen. your wholesome beauty evaporating all the distress from me. make no mistake of my idolatry--
i praise God for your ability to heal me and give me strength, it's to Him i owe this gratitude.

the end of another false month

and the end of a wrestling match with God.
I know I'm on the home stretch, as if I am already receiving my trophies.
Why'd you have to make this... *sigh*
I know.

I won't say disparaging things, I won't despair.
I see the fog is clearing, and I see beauty and the perpetuation of life only in its' wake.

We can't help it though, to fear it's another illusion. We pray harder every day that passes nearing this end we've been promised.

Please don't tell me I'm naive to think my penance is nearing its' end, I thought it should've been over seven thousand years ago, but I agreed to suffer another age if that'd make an even more perfect beginning for us, unraveling the dream-spell.

I just don't know if I can trust my memories, my imagination, my dreams being so real, my hopes being so pure. The doubt of my own integrity to complete this mission overshadows me and changes the way light falls entirely.